We are a very close 2nd

I've always been proud of myself as a military spouse. I have always understood that me and the kids are not first. The day Ty signed that dotted line we became second to billions and billions of people. We are a very close to his number one- but none the less...second. This isn't his choice, but it's the way it has to be and I'm okay with that. I stand in awe of him. He chooses to put his life on the line, to defend our freedom while risking his own. Although this is his first deployment- he's still my hero because he chooses to do this. He's amazing!

Still, when those orders came in all I could do is hope and pray that they would get cancelled. I wanted anyone but him to be on that plane. Almost everyday I would look at him and say: "How am I going to do this without you?" and his response was: "You already do it without me." This is true, I am the one that does everything. But to do it without the promise of his kiss every night or at least a good night- that's almost unbearable.

I've mentioned the kids..and their antics.. in the past. One thing you should understand is that my kids love my husband. Their world revolves around him. He is the fun one- so without him our world is so unbalanced. Kadence is trying to be strong, on my bad days she sees it and is super sweet and helpful. She "gets it" and I hate that she does. Colton just recently realized that daddy is going to be gone for a while, and he's not taking it well.

This is our life- we drive on even through the sadness. The military life is hard but rewarding. Its sad but exciting. I love our life, after all we choose it and continue to chose it year after year as he signs back up for another 4 years.

I know I'll get through this deployment. I'll find ways to sleep through the night. I'll figure out ways to make the kids happy on holidays so that their not so sad that daddy won't be there. I'll simply "get through it." There are some days though that I don't understand how. I don't know how to survive without him. And I'm clueless at explaining to my kids where he is and how even though the TV says its dangerous that daddy is still safe.

I feel lost without him.