This transition to Ft. Carson has been hard. So far I haven't had the best impression of the place- it sucks! Due to OPSEC I can't say much but my latest issue has been our deployment date. It went from being pretty far away to very very soon. My heart and soul feel broken. I'm not sure how to live without Ty. We have been together since we were 16 and throughout that time the most amount of time I have ever spent away from him was 2 months and that was basic. I don't know how to function without him. He is my best friend and now I have to live without my best friend for a whole year. I think the hardest part is that I have to do it here! I have no friends and no support system here.
Last night was hard. Mostly because we got our final date yesterday. I cried most of the day. The we went to sleep and just talked a bit. Then at 3:00am I woke up in his arm and lost control. I laid on the couch for 2 hours crying. I couldn't control myself. This is something I have ever dealt with and I don't know how to cope with it. I stay strong for the kids all day long but when we lay in bed together and I think of how lonely the next year will be I let go. I know it's hurting him to so I cry at night or in the bath- I can't let Ty see me be weak. I know it will be that much harder on him if he knew how hard I was taking it.
I'm always the strong one in the relationship. I keep the bills paid, house cleaned, kids alive...all that stuff. But I don't know how to be strong for this. I don't know how to wake up every morning and get through the day without him. I don't know how to fall asleep every night without a kiss or a fight..lol.
And then there are the kids. Kadence expressed concern over whether daddy will get him head blown off. Kids know way to much these days. I'm boycotting the news- I can't have her worried about that. She's just a baby. She's already having nightmares and he hasn't even left yet. For the past 3 nights she has had Colton sleep with her because she is afraid to be alone. It breaks my heart. I have already made the decision that we are going to find a good therapist for her to hang out with as soon as we get back from Ty's moms house.
Well my rant is over. I hope that this year goes by fast. I pray that god sends my husband back to me and I don't mean just his body I mean his mind. That's the scary part. Having your husband- your everything- come back and be a different person. I couldn't handle that.....
Last night was hard. Mostly because we got our final date yesterday. I cried most of the day. The we went to sleep and just talked a bit. Then at 3:00am I woke up in his arm and lost control. I laid on the couch for 2 hours crying. I couldn't control myself. This is something I have ever dealt with and I don't know how to cope with it. I stay strong for the kids all day long but when we lay in bed together and I think of how lonely the next year will be I let go. I know it's hurting him to so I cry at night or in the bath- I can't let Ty see me be weak. I know it will be that much harder on him if he knew how hard I was taking it.
I'm always the strong one in the relationship. I keep the bills paid, house cleaned, kids alive...all that stuff. But I don't know how to be strong for this. I don't know how to wake up every morning and get through the day without him. I don't know how to fall asleep every night without a kiss or a fight..lol.
And then there are the kids. Kadence expressed concern over whether daddy will get him head blown off. Kids know way to much these days. I'm boycotting the news- I can't have her worried about that. She's just a baby. She's already having nightmares and he hasn't even left yet. For the past 3 nights she has had Colton sleep with her because she is afraid to be alone. It breaks my heart. I have already made the decision that we are going to find a good therapist for her to hang out with as soon as we get back from Ty's moms house.
Well my rant is over. I hope that this year goes by fast. I pray that god sends my husband back to me and I don't mean just his body I mean his mind. That's the scary part. Having your husband- your everything- come back and be a different person. I couldn't handle that.....
Hang in there girl. I know it is rough and there are really no words that can ever make it feel any better. I have the same problem with Katrisha asking Gerry if he is going to come home alive. It's amazing what the kids pick up these days. I know it's not much but remember I am always 2 hours behind you and just a phone call away.
ReplyDeleteKasey I love that you are going to use this as an outlet and a way to somewhat deal with Ty's deployment. Because while I know there is no such thing as ever getting used to them being gone, you will have this for venting or putting your hurt and frustration to writing. This gal will gladly read your post everytime you write a new one.
ReplyDeleteJust came across your blog. Know that you are not alone out there. Blogging (whether reading others or writing about your experiences) helps. My therapist says it's a great way to express what you are feeling. You are not alone. My hubby left for his first deployment not to long ago and being away from the love of your life SUCKS!
ReplyDeleteCame over from Taunya's note on Facebook. Having been a military wife military mom dealing with deployments let me encourage you to get connected to the other women/families on the base. Join PWOC, get involved in the programs for the spouses of the deployed. I don't know how old your kids are but get them involved in the kids activities.
ReplyDeleteI also want to give you my email...ali1257@gmail.com PLEASE do not hesitate to send me an email if you have questions, fears, concerns, anything. I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Please keep in touch.