You Just Gotta Find A Way Through It!

"So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you an me, everyday."- The Notebook

I seen that on facebook earlier and it inspired me. I never realized how hard it would be to be away from Ty. He has driven me out of my mind since we were 16. He does the most insane things on purpose to get to me. But he's my everything and I adore him.

When he left and I first started receiving those precious phone calls I hung onto every second and every breathes he took. Now it seems that we have nothing to talk about...lol. I still would rather be on the phone with him saying nothing then not talking, but it's getting easier. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that but it is.

Now don't get me wrong- I know I still have a lot of hard nights ahead of me but I have a little perspective now. I know this is just a short time in our life we must spend away from each other and that we still have so much more time together. I get to enjoy another side of my husband. He loves me and he enjoys talking to me. He enjoys talking to the kids. The everyday hassles of life don't bother him as much- he just rejoices in being able to hear our voices each day. That's so nice. That's a side of my husband that I rarely get to see.

I have so many things to look forward to this year. And yes I am terrified to do it alone but I know I can. I raised myself to be a strong person and I can get through just about everything.

But still- we have to work through all the emotions. Just when you think that you get through it all another bad day happens and depression rears its ugly head. You just have to know that you'll get through it. You have to believe in your relationship and the love you have for each other. If you know that then you will get through it. But still it takes work.

It takes whatever is good and healthy for your particular situation...maybe it's risky web cam sessions, talking in the middle of the night, doing lots of retail therapy or a care box every week.

You do whatever it takes to get through this hard time. You're allowed to miss him, break down and feed the kids cereal for dinner. Don't let anyone take that away from you or make you feel ashamed about the particular way you are dealing with the situation.

Whats the old saying?

"Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter!"

We are a very close 2nd

I've always been proud of myself as a military spouse. I have always understood that me and the kids are not first. The day Ty signed that dotted line we became second to billions and billions of people. We are a very close to his number one- but none the less...second. This isn't his choice, but it's the way it has to be and I'm okay with that. I stand in awe of him. He chooses to put his life on the line, to defend our freedom while risking his own. Although this is his first deployment- he's still my hero because he chooses to do this. He's amazing!

Still, when those orders came in all I could do is hope and pray that they would get cancelled. I wanted anyone but him to be on that plane. Almost everyday I would look at him and say: "How am I going to do this without you?" and his response was: "You already do it without me." This is true, I am the one that does everything. But to do it without the promise of his kiss every night or at least a good night- that's almost unbearable.

I've mentioned the kids..and their antics.. in the past. One thing you should understand is that my kids love my husband. Their world revolves around him. He is the fun one- so without him our world is so unbalanced. Kadence is trying to be strong, on my bad days she sees it and is super sweet and helpful. She "gets it" and I hate that she does. Colton just recently realized that daddy is going to be gone for a while, and he's not taking it well.

This is our life- we drive on even through the sadness. The military life is hard but rewarding. Its sad but exciting. I love our life, after all we choose it and continue to chose it year after year as he signs back up for another 4 years.

I know I'll get through this deployment. I'll find ways to sleep through the night. I'll figure out ways to make the kids happy on holidays so that their not so sad that daddy won't be there. I'll simply "get through it." There are some days though that I don't understand how. I don't know how to survive without him. And I'm clueless at explaining to my kids where he is and how even though the TV says its dangerous that daddy is still safe.

I feel lost without him.

Even Through the Bad- I Still Got my Happily Ever After

So I realized that this Small Town Girl never wrote about my life- how I got where I am.

I'm from Ohio- a small little, brick road, four way stop sign town. It's Adena- you can find us on Facebook these days ;) There are about 800 people in the town I grew up in. Ty is always telling me that I forget where I came from. So I thought I'd just put it all out there.

I grew up poor and I don't mean I wasn't able to go on class trips poor- I mean I didn't have water or electricity poor. There were times during winter in OHIO we didn't have heat- life pretty much sucked. But I learned how to get by. I stayed with friends and borrowed their clothes. We were so poor that we didn't get new clothes often and at some point I reach that age of understanding that everyone else had much nicer stuff then me and that they were looking down on me because of that. So I worked from the time I was 11- babysitting or being a waitress. Whatever I could do to make money and be able to take care of myself I did.

When I was 15 my dad died. It was awful. I looked up to him and honestly he was the only person I had in my life that I could depend on. My mom- whom I love and has since become a better person, was more worried about catching up on the youth she missed out on then the babies she needed to raise. She did drugs, drank a lot and slept around a lot. I didn't have the best role model when it comes to females. So when my dad passed I felt like that one stable thing in my life was just riped away from me. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I lost my faith for a long time.

Those first two years was a dark time for me. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of mainly because I needed a way to not think about my dad. It hurt- I had never felt anything like that and I didn't want to deal with it. But eventually I realized I was doing a lot of bad things that was getting me nowhere fast. I was to smart for it so I decided to make a new start.

In January 2002 I transferred high schools. It was weird because the school I was districted for was about an hour away. The district line was about a mile away and that school was only 10 minutes away- so this would make my drive to school a lot easier. The first day of school I meet Daniel. He was and still is one of my very best friends. He is as sweet as can be and is one of those people you just feel safe with. His wife is one lucky girl! A few days later he invited me to the church to watch his friends practice with their "band". Yes band is in " " because they were a bunch of high school kids that couldn't get it together...lol. When I pulled up to the church Daniel and his friend from Utah were just getting out of the car. I looked at this guy and just knew I liked him. Yes it was Ty :). I can still remember what he was wearing- black jeans, navy independent hoodie and a independent beanie. He was so stinking cute. We didn't talk that much just passed glances throughout the night. Then on Monday at school he was in my class. See- I wasn't even aware he was staying. I thought he was visiting. And it just sparked from there- by March it was official- we were a couple. We stayed together throughout high school and 2 days after high school graduation I found out I was pregnant with Kadence.

After that Ty joined the army- and we left for Germany. That's where we had Colton.

I have been completely and totally in love with him since that day. We have had our ups and downs. We have broke up and got back together. We've been through it all. I'm not ashamed of it, I think it has only made us stronger.

You see this is the PG version of my life. I had a hard crappy life. Adena was nothing special to me but heartbreak. I endured so much while living there and no one ever helped. I think that's why I am pursing the degree I am- I want to help kids like me. I don't ever want a kid to feel alone. In a town of 800 everyone was talking about us but no one ever stepped up to help. I haven't forgotten where I'm from- there are just some things not worth remembering.

This deployment has made me realize something. I love my husband just as much if not even more then I loved him back them. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one and I have never stopped thinking that. There have been times that I just wanted to throw things- but I would give anything to get those moments back. I would give anything to yell at my husband right now ;)

Four Days Counts for Something Right?

So our year long deployment has officially started. Ty left me just a 4 short days ago and it has seemed like forever. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this upcoming year. He really is my life and I feel so completely empty and lost without him. I have complete faith that he will make it home. He's a strong person and an amazing soldier. I know he knows what to do...I'm just so lonely.

Then I think about the kids....a year. That's a long time without daddy. Ty's kind of a hard ass but these kids look to him like he's a hero. He is their everything. Kadence asks every morning if he called (because he has been calling in the middle of the night and then again in the afternoon sometime). Last night he didn't call. I honestly woke up every half hour and looked at my phone and started to get worried because he didn't call..lol. It's insane- I know we can't have a schedule, but it just scared me for a minute. It's such an awful feeling...I hate it. He called around 10:00 and said he decided to call around my life and not is- that way I could sleep through the night....as if I could anyways.

Monday was probably one of the worse days I have experienced in a while. Standing there looking at all those bags and watching people say good bye to their soldiers was enough to break my heart more then it already was. It's just sad. Then the awful thought crosses your mind about the people that might not make it home...and even worse- what if- the worse what if ever. It's to awful to think let alone write. I couldn't imagine a world without him. I could have hit the pavement right there. I felt like someone was tearing my heart out and was unsure if they were going to give it back. But then I looked at the kids and his parents and realized that I had to be strong for everyone.- especially him. After all we only have to miss him and we get to have a normal life. He has to be alone and missing all of us- that has to be horrible. The kids are missing their dad- I've lost my dad at a young age and I know how bad that sucks. His parents are missing him. I know he is my husband, but I couldn't imagine sending my child off to war. That's a feeling I hope I never have to experience. So we got in the car and went home and we are tryin to get back to life.

I sleep with his pillow and shirt and although I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I don't sleep more then 5 hours a night we're doing okay. I just want him home though. I bought him a computer and will be sending it so that we can skype- can't wait for that! R&R will be here before we know it and then he'll be home. Safe and sound.

I do have one thing I'm very excited about!! For those of you that know what AT EASE Ft. Jackson is- it's coming to Ft. Carson! I'll be heading it! I'm going to make a difference at that post before I leave! These women will feel more support and make friends! I'll be blogging about that later though!

"I still imagine your touch. It's beautiful missing something that much. But sometimes love needs a fighting chance. So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance" (Shedaisy- Come home Soon)

The Sleepless Nights Have Started

This transition to Ft. Carson has been hard. So far I haven't had the best impression of the place- it sucks! Due to OPSEC I can't say much but my latest issue has been our deployment date. It went from being pretty far away to very very soon. My heart and soul feel broken. I'm not sure how to live without Ty. We have been together since we were 16 and throughout that time the most amount of time I have ever spent away from him was 2 months and that was basic. I don't know how to function without him. He is my best friend and now I have to live without my best friend for a whole year. I think the hardest part is that I have to do it here! I have no friends and no support system here.

Last night was hard. Mostly because we got our final date yesterday. I cried most of the day. The we went to sleep and just talked a bit. Then at 3:00am I woke up in his arm and lost control. I laid on the couch for 2 hours crying. I couldn't control myself. This is something I have ever dealt with and I don't know how to cope with it. I stay strong for the kids all day long but when we lay in bed together and I think of how lonely the next year will be I let go. I know it's hurting him to so I cry at night or in the bath- I can't let Ty see me be weak. I know it will be that much harder on him if he knew how hard I was taking it.

I'm always the strong one in the relationship. I keep the bills paid, house cleaned, kids alive...all that stuff. But I don't know how to be strong for this. I don't know how to wake up every morning and get through the day without him. I don't know how to fall asleep every night without a kiss or a fight..lol.

And then there are the kids. Kadence expressed concern over whether daddy will get him head blown off. Kids know way to much these days. I'm boycotting the news- I can't have her worried about that. She's just a baby. She's already having nightmares and he hasn't even left yet. For the past 3 nights she has had Colton sleep with her because she is afraid to be alone. It breaks my heart. I have already made the decision that we are going to find a good therapist for her to hang out with as soon as we get back from Ty's moms house.

Well my rant is over. I hope that this year goes by fast. I pray that god sends my husband back to me and I don't mean just his body I mean his mind. That's the scary part. Having your husband- your everything- come back and be a different person. I couldn't handle that.....