We are a very close 2nd

I've always been proud of myself as a military spouse. I have always understood that me and the kids are not first. The day Ty signed that dotted line we became second to billions and billions of people. We are a very close to his number one- but none the less...second. This isn't his choice, but it's the way it has to be and I'm okay with that. I stand in awe of him. He chooses to put his life on the line, to defend our freedom while risking his own. Although this is his first deployment- he's still my hero because he chooses to do this. He's amazing!

Still, when those orders came in all I could do is hope and pray that they would get cancelled. I wanted anyone but him to be on that plane. Almost everyday I would look at him and say: "How am I going to do this without you?" and his response was: "You already do it without me." This is true, I am the one that does everything. But to do it without the promise of his kiss every night or at least a good night- that's almost unbearable.

I've mentioned the kids..and their antics.. in the past. One thing you should understand is that my kids love my husband. Their world revolves around him. He is the fun one- so without him our world is so unbalanced. Kadence is trying to be strong, on my bad days she sees it and is super sweet and helpful. She "gets it" and I hate that she does. Colton just recently realized that daddy is going to be gone for a while, and he's not taking it well.

This is our life- we drive on even through the sadness. The military life is hard but rewarding. Its sad but exciting. I love our life, after all we choose it and continue to chose it year after year as he signs back up for another 4 years.

I know I'll get through this deployment. I'll find ways to sleep through the night. I'll figure out ways to make the kids happy on holidays so that their not so sad that daddy won't be there. I'll simply "get through it." There are some days though that I don't understand how. I don't know how to survive without him. And I'm clueless at explaining to my kids where he is and how even though the TV says its dangerous that daddy is still safe.

I feel lost without him.

Even Through the Bad- I Still Got my Happily Ever After

So I realized that this Small Town Girl never wrote about my life- how I got where I am.

I'm from Ohio- a small little, brick road, four way stop sign town. It's Adena- you can find us on Facebook these days ;) There are about 800 people in the town I grew up in. Ty is always telling me that I forget where I came from. So I thought I'd just put it all out there.

I grew up poor and I don't mean I wasn't able to go on class trips poor- I mean I didn't have water or electricity poor. There were times during winter in OHIO we didn't have heat- life pretty much sucked. But I learned how to get by. I stayed with friends and borrowed their clothes. We were so poor that we didn't get new clothes often and at some point I reach that age of understanding that everyone else had much nicer stuff then me and that they were looking down on me because of that. So I worked from the time I was 11- babysitting or being a waitress. Whatever I could do to make money and be able to take care of myself I did.

When I was 15 my dad died. It was awful. I looked up to him and honestly he was the only person I had in my life that I could depend on. My mom- whom I love and has since become a better person, was more worried about catching up on the youth she missed out on then the babies she needed to raise. She did drugs, drank a lot and slept around a lot. I didn't have the best role model when it comes to females. So when my dad passed I felt like that one stable thing in my life was just riped away from me. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I lost my faith for a long time.

Those first two years was a dark time for me. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of mainly because I needed a way to not think about my dad. It hurt- I had never felt anything like that and I didn't want to deal with it. But eventually I realized I was doing a lot of bad things that was getting me nowhere fast. I was to smart for it so I decided to make a new start.

In January 2002 I transferred high schools. It was weird because the school I was districted for was about an hour away. The district line was about a mile away and that school was only 10 minutes away- so this would make my drive to school a lot easier. The first day of school I meet Daniel. He was and still is one of my very best friends. He is as sweet as can be and is one of those people you just feel safe with. His wife is one lucky girl! A few days later he invited me to the church to watch his friends practice with their "band". Yes band is in " " because they were a bunch of high school kids that couldn't get it together...lol. When I pulled up to the church Daniel and his friend from Utah were just getting out of the car. I looked at this guy and just knew I liked him. Yes it was Ty :). I can still remember what he was wearing- black jeans, navy independent hoodie and a independent beanie. He was so stinking cute. We didn't talk that much just passed glances throughout the night. Then on Monday at school he was in my class. See- I wasn't even aware he was staying. I thought he was visiting. And it just sparked from there- by March it was official- we were a couple. We stayed together throughout high school and 2 days after high school graduation I found out I was pregnant with Kadence.

After that Ty joined the army- and we left for Germany. That's where we had Colton.

I have been completely and totally in love with him since that day. We have had our ups and downs. We have broke up and got back together. We've been through it all. I'm not ashamed of it, I think it has only made us stronger.

You see this is the PG version of my life. I had a hard crappy life. Adena was nothing special to me but heartbreak. I endured so much while living there and no one ever helped. I think that's why I am pursing the degree I am- I want to help kids like me. I don't ever want a kid to feel alone. In a town of 800 everyone was talking about us but no one ever stepped up to help. I haven't forgotten where I'm from- there are just some things not worth remembering.

This deployment has made me realize something. I love my husband just as much if not even more then I loved him back them. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one and I have never stopped thinking that. There have been times that I just wanted to throw things- but I would give anything to get those moments back. I would give anything to yell at my husband right now ;)

Four Days Counts for Something Right?

So our year long deployment has officially started. Ty left me just a 4 short days ago and it has seemed like forever. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this upcoming year. He really is my life and I feel so completely empty and lost without him. I have complete faith that he will make it home. He's a strong person and an amazing soldier. I know he knows what to do...I'm just so lonely.

Then I think about the kids....a year. That's a long time without daddy. Ty's kind of a hard ass but these kids look to him like he's a hero. He is their everything. Kadence asks every morning if he called (because he has been calling in the middle of the night and then again in the afternoon sometime). Last night he didn't call. I honestly woke up every half hour and looked at my phone and started to get worried because he didn't call..lol. It's insane- I know we can't have a schedule, but it just scared me for a minute. It's such an awful feeling...I hate it. He called around 10:00 and said he decided to call around my life and not is- that way I could sleep through the night....as if I could anyways.

Monday was probably one of the worse days I have experienced in a while. Standing there looking at all those bags and watching people say good bye to their soldiers was enough to break my heart more then it already was. It's just sad. Then the awful thought crosses your mind about the people that might not make it home...and even worse- what if- the worse what if ever. It's to awful to think let alone write. I couldn't imagine a world without him. I could have hit the pavement right there. I felt like someone was tearing my heart out and was unsure if they were going to give it back. But then I looked at the kids and his parents and realized that I had to be strong for everyone.- especially him. After all we only have to miss him and we get to have a normal life. He has to be alone and missing all of us- that has to be horrible. The kids are missing their dad- I've lost my dad at a young age and I know how bad that sucks. His parents are missing him. I know he is my husband, but I couldn't imagine sending my child off to war. That's a feeling I hope I never have to experience. So we got in the car and went home and we are tryin to get back to life.

I sleep with his pillow and shirt and although I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I don't sleep more then 5 hours a night we're doing okay. I just want him home though. I bought him a computer and will be sending it so that we can skype- can't wait for that! R&R will be here before we know it and then he'll be home. Safe and sound.

I do have one thing I'm very excited about!! For those of you that know what AT EASE Ft. Jackson is- it's coming to Ft. Carson! I'll be heading it! I'm going to make a difference at that post before I leave! These women will feel more support and make friends! I'll be blogging about that later though!

"I still imagine your touch. It's beautiful missing something that much. But sometimes love needs a fighting chance. So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance" (Shedaisy- Come home Soon)

The Sleepless Nights Have Started

This transition to Ft. Carson has been hard. So far I haven't had the best impression of the place- it sucks! Due to OPSEC I can't say much but my latest issue has been our deployment date. It went from being pretty far away to very very soon. My heart and soul feel broken. I'm not sure how to live without Ty. We have been together since we were 16 and throughout that time the most amount of time I have ever spent away from him was 2 months and that was basic. I don't know how to function without him. He is my best friend and now I have to live without my best friend for a whole year. I think the hardest part is that I have to do it here! I have no friends and no support system here.

Last night was hard. Mostly because we got our final date yesterday. I cried most of the day. The we went to sleep and just talked a bit. Then at 3:00am I woke up in his arm and lost control. I laid on the couch for 2 hours crying. I couldn't control myself. This is something I have ever dealt with and I don't know how to cope with it. I stay strong for the kids all day long but when we lay in bed together and I think of how lonely the next year will be I let go. I know it's hurting him to so I cry at night or in the bath- I can't let Ty see me be weak. I know it will be that much harder on him if he knew how hard I was taking it.

I'm always the strong one in the relationship. I keep the bills paid, house cleaned, kids alive...all that stuff. But I don't know how to be strong for this. I don't know how to wake up every morning and get through the day without him. I don't know how to fall asleep every night without a kiss or a fight..lol.

And then there are the kids. Kadence expressed concern over whether daddy will get him head blown off. Kids know way to much these days. I'm boycotting the news- I can't have her worried about that. She's just a baby. She's already having nightmares and he hasn't even left yet. For the past 3 nights she has had Colton sleep with her because she is afraid to be alone. It breaks my heart. I have already made the decision that we are going to find a good therapist for her to hang out with as soon as we get back from Ty's moms house.

Well my rant is over. I hope that this year goes by fast. I pray that god sends my husband back to me and I don't mean just his body I mean his mind. That's the scary part. Having your husband- your everything- come back and be a different person. I couldn't handle that.....

With PCS Comes......Way to Much Crap

I never realized how awful that good-bye would be. I knew it would break my heart, but I didn't know it could hurt like this. These women became such a big part of my life, a part of who I am. I have such an empty feeling knowing they won't be in CO or that I"m not going back to SC.

I had become so dependant on them. It was nice to hear "Hey send the kids over and do your homework"..Tiffany was the best. I could always depend on Kristi for a Dr's appointment or to take me somewhere. I knew I could call Melynda to help with Kadence or take me places if I needed it. Emily could make me laugh or would meet me for lunch in no time. She would also take me to Sams or random trips around Columbia to find party supplies. Stacie helped me when Bruce was sick- I will forever be grateful for that. Kate was great for those late night talks. I could be myself with her. There was no BS- I loved our late night chats :) The rest of the girls were just wonderful! They were there for laughs, drinks, karaoke- just whatever. It was nice to have such a close knit group of females that weren't catty and bitchy. I honestly don't know how I will exist without them.

It's weird, you try to stay strong for kids...but it's so hard to stay strong for yourself. On Kadence's last day of school she looked at me and said "Mom, it's my last day, I'm gonna miss all my friends". So I tried to explain to her that most of her friends would be leaving soon and then we would be there alone. But I just could rationalize that to myself as I was pulling away from my home.

I get it- "Home is where the Army sends you"- but these girls made SC my home. I loved my life there. And I know I'll love my new life and all the fantastic adventures that come with it. I'm just in a period of mourning that I'll get over it.

And it didn't stop with the pain of losing friends...the PCS just got better and better..lol

A garage door opener got packed- $50, four blinds that I was told I could buy at Lowes and couldn't find- $120!!! We were on the road for all of 3 hours and our car broke down....lucky for me a wonderful mechanic at John Miles Chevy in Coyver (I think is how it's spelled- right before ATL) GA took pity on me. This amazing man took the car right in, fixed it and then only charged me 1 hour of labor instead of 4! God Bless his sweet heart-we got onto the road again. I had planned this trip as relaxing as possible- well that went out the window. Instead of making it to Mississippi at 7pm we got in at like midnight! Well 7 hours of sleep later we were back on the road. We made it safely to TX without any further issues.


It's been crazy and I just can't wait to get to our new "home" and meet my new "family".

Before The Boxes Are Packed

As my time at Ft. Jackson comes to an end I'm sad. I have learned so much here. I have grown so much here. And most importantly I meant some of the most amazing Army wives here. Most people write off Jackson from the beginning. A lot of gals fall into the "Fort Jackson Funk". I'm not sure why but this place just clicked with me. Maybe is was because my husband wasn't a drill Sgt or that I had good friends- I don't know but I just felt at home here.

We got to Jackson back in January 2009. I didn't even make friends until that following year. Our time in Germany ruined other wives for me. I have found this rings true with a lot of women. One bitter wife can ruin the way you feel about all military spouses, I found that I had a very flawed perception.

As soon as I moved onto my new block within hours my neighbor was at my door saying hello. The other was soon to follow. Through the two of them I started attending AT EASE (our spouses group) and joined the advisory board. I started getting involved in my community and that was a huge deal for me. From there the amazing friendships multiplied. I meet these women, who like me had this crazy life- but instead of hating it they embraced it. Even though it could sometimes be sucktacular-that's from the dictionary of a friend :)- we still loved it. We loved our man in uniform and were willing to cope with anything. We were all so different but still so much the same. We all brought so much to the group and I know I personally was able to take so much away from it. As each one left I took a little bit of their personality and kept it for my own.

The packers are coming tomorrow. As I look around at MY home I know that in a matter of weeks the walls will be painted, damages fixed and furniture already in CO- it will not longer be MY home. It will be an empty government quaters for another family to move into and make memories. I hope happy ones. I'll never forget all the Friday FSC nights, Madd Platter Wednesdays, Hanging out in my living room talking, letting the kids take over the court on a cool summer afternoon or just making hair bows with friends. I have loved this place and am so sad that my time here is over.

I know that with Colorado will come many new adventure. I already have so many different things in my head that I want to do while I'm in CO and I have already meant some really nice girls out there. But I can't help but to feel a bit broken hearted that I can't have my friends with me. They made me who I am. They helped me shape myself a little and I know that because of them I will only continue to grow. I love you all!

It's only a year.....it's only a year...

I haven't been on in a while. To much to take in in such a short period of time. In the past 2 months we have went from trying to reclass to orders to Fort Carson to a deployment to Afghanistan. When we got those orders to Carson I about died. We have been at Ft. Jackson for a little over 2 years. I have loved my time here. That's another blog another day though...right now I need to get these feelings out of my head. Everyone kept telling us how lucky we were- CARSON!! This is like everyone's number one...its the cream of the crop..the top of a wish list. This is like the holg grail of army posts :) So we were feeling very fortunate to have been blessed with such an amazing post. After 4 years in Germany and 2 at Jackson- it's time for us to finally see what the "real" army is about I guess. Not even 72 hours after having those orders Ty called to try to find out some information. Guy on phone: "You got family" Ty: "yea" Guy: "Kids?" Ty: "Yea" Guy: "Well I feel bad for you cause your deploying to Afghanistan as soon as you get here" Me: "WTF!!!!" As soon as Ty called and told me I broke down. I literally lost my breathe. I should metion that we have never experienced a deployment. We went from basic->AIT->Support unit -> TRADOC....now a deployment. I have been with Ty since I was 16. We are high school sweethearts. We became parents right out of high school and have managed to beat the statistic. I love him...he drives me out of my mind...but I love him. He is my best friend, my everything and I can not imagine how I am even going to exist for the next year without him. I'm terrified, all the what ifs hit me about 200 times a day. I know he'll be okay, I know he'll make it back and I know that we'll have the next 70 years to hang out and annoy each other. But a YEAR...a FREAKIN YEAR? How do I do that? I have been told I'm lucky this is my first deployment...but I don't think any of us are lucky. This isn't a competition of whose life sucks the most. We are suppose to be a sisterhood that stands beside each other and helps to hold our families together while our "other half's" are away. I just want to make it through this year..I just want to hold my husband again....I wish I could just sleep the year away... But the fact is that a year is going to pass. That's all of our birthdays, an anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving, July fourth, Halloween, a New Years kiss.....everything. But I know I'm strong and I know I'll get through this. It's only a year...it's only a year..it's only a year.............