"Normal"

It's been such a long time since I have actually wanted to sit down and let my mind pour out. There have been so many negative people in my life lately that I've had a hard time letting the weakness shine through at all. I'm trying so hard to stay strong, stay solid. Even when my guard comes down a little bit I get someone to tell me that I'm bitchy, weak- that "I knew what I signed up for". I get so tired of it, its unreal.

I do know what I signed up for- this is something that I have loved. For 7 years- this has been my life and I have never once doubted our decision. I have traveled to amazing places and meet amazing people. I have been apart of groups that made differences long after I was no longer there. But here- it's been different. I know that a lot of it has to do with the deployment- but the negativity that other army wives exhibit towards one another has baffled me.

All of that I can get over and I have. I have found other places where I'm needed and wanted and where I'm not judged and that feels wonderful! I started volunteering off post and became emerged in being a mommy again- something that was hard to do with my previous job. I'm able to enjoy them. And most recently I got a job at the child care center on post. It's a job I have always wanted but because of the cost of child care it was always impossible.

What has really been bothering me is all of this is happening without my husband. I hate the idea that I have built this entire life without him. I feel like he's going to come home and wonder where he fits in. That's something that it heart breaking to me. To think that this person, this man that has been my entire world all of the sudden is no longer apart of it. And yes I am aware that he will come home and we will get back to "normal" I just can't help but to be saddened by the fact that so much of our life together is on mute and that when he comes back there will be pictures he is not apart of. There will be memories he will not be able to share with us. There will be new traditions, new skills developed in the kids and new interest of mine that he wasn't there to experience.

So my question is- how do you get back to normal? How do you make him feel at home in a place that he has never considered his home? How do you pick up where you left off the previous year?

RIP AMP

I knew this year would be hard. I had no doubts in my mind that it would suck. I mean really how could I even try to be naive. I had about a million other wives telling me how much I would hate the next year of my life. However, I was naive to one small thing. I was under the impression that Ty leaving was going to be the worst of it. I was blind to all the other things that could and would happen.

This past few months has been a string of what seems to be bad luck, I know that sounds crazy. But that's the way that my life has seemed. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong- and yes I am aware that this is the law of the deployment- but it doesn't mean that I have to like it or be very accepting of it. It blows!

The list of ridiculous things I have had to deal with are to long to list in any depth. But my house is falling down around me, this place has a major disruption of information and there is pretty much nothing here for deployed spouse and AT EASE seemed as though it wasn't making the impression we wanted (that has changed and I'll be writing about it soon!). I could deal with all of that- it was beginning to wear me thin, but I was able to deal with it.

Then came the call. The call that I really didn't think I would ever have to deal with. It was Saturday August 6 at about 8:00 am. Daniel called me (one of my sweet boys from Cadiz) to ask if I had heard about AMP- I replied no and he responded that AMP had died the night before. Anthony was my best friend. I called him my second husband..lol. I met him when I was 16 and we clicked, he did things and made choices that I didn't always like but he was still my best friend. He came a couple times to live with us in South Carolina and we had big plans for this deployment. He made it his personal mission to just help me get through this year. AMP would call me about 4 times a day. He just wanted to make sure someone was helping me, talking to me and checking on the kids. When this round of jobs were done he was moving to the Springs. All he ever wanted to do was join the military and I was going to try to help him with that. We had plans of what we were gonna do with the kids- which included Disney World because I love that place and AMP had never been there. When Ty got back we had a big trip to Vegas planned. All of it just seems like a dream. It's so surreal. I just don't understand how he is gone..forever. It's not fair.

That week back home was a blur. I tried to hang out with friends because I thought it would make me feel better- but that only made the realization set in that he was gone. Everyone was there except him and Ty. It was the most awful feeling ever. Then finally after a week of waiting came the funeral. It's the first funeral I have been to since my dad died. It didn't look like AMP and I think that made it even harder.

On the way home as I passed the windmills (a place he google map texted me once- he was so fascinated by all the things he was able to see) I cried. I just can't believe he's gone. I don't know what I'm gonna do without his daily talks, his stupid fill in the blank songs and the lyrics he could never get right. He wore crazy hats and loved everyone. He tried so hard to be a friend to everyone and even when he was getting into trouble it was because he was trying to help someone. There are so many things I'm going to miss about him, but for the most part I'm just gonna miss him. Just being around him and knowing that you meant something to him. He would do anything for anyone because everyone mattered to him even if he didn't matter to everyone else.

Before I finish up this I want to share my favorite memory. I didn't have the courage to stand up and say at the funeral. When I was 18 about two weeks after high school graduation I just knew I was pregnant. I come from a very small town so the last thing I wanted to do is walk in and buy a pregnancy test anywhere. I knew it would get back to Ty's family and if I was wrong I didn't want to any trouble. So I called Anthony and told him he needed to go buy me one. He of course asked why I couldn't buy it. My response was "I don't want people to think I'm pregnant" and he responded with "So you want people to think I got someone pregnant?" So he eventually went into Rite Aid and bought be one. We got back to my house and I took the test. I was so scared I told him to read it. He said "It's negative- one line is purple and one is pink!!" LOL I of course said "There's two lines?" Amp said "Yea but one is purple!" For any of you that have ever taken a pregnancy test you know that the color variation doesn't matter- if there are two lines, no matter how faint one might be- then your pregnant. He was the first one to know I was pregnant and he was so happy. Kadence was born on Anthony's birthday and he thought that was amazing.

RIP Anthony- I love you and am gonna miss you like crazy.

Military Brats

My children are....resilient. This whole deployment has them a mess but they carry it and own it. Instead of letting it get them down they show pride in their daddy.

Kadence tells everyone she meets that her daddy is deployed and she does it not with a tear in her eye but a smile on her face. It's her strength that has made me realize I can get through it. When she wraps her little arms around my neck and says she misses him it makes my heart cry, but when she tells people how proud she is and that her daddy is a hero that same heart swells with pride. I am amazed by her.

Colton misses him, but it's different. He is still ignorant about the entire situation. He is unaware of time, really he is unaware that Ty is even gone. He knows that he misses him and that daddy has been gone for way to long- but it doesn't bother him as much as it bothers me. He can't comprehend the gravity of the situation and I am very thankful for that.

I am awestruck because of them both. They exhibit the strength that only a military brat could. Life is hard in this world as it is- but to have a parent deployed makes it that much worse. It takes a special type of child to live and thrive in this life. It takes a special type of person period to be in this life. My kids are proving that they can handle it. They can handle almost everything. I am so proud of them both! They amaze me and are an inspiration.

I just wanted to take the time to say that because it needs to be recognized. Military brats have a life like no other child. They have to grow up faster, they have to be more patient, they have to learn to let go of friends, homes and the occasional pet. These are things that would have an eternal effect on a normal persons childhood. But military brats are strong!

I am proud that I have "brats" they give me strength through the rough patches and smiles through the easy times. I will forever be grateful for the effect that my "brats" have on me.

Mommy loves you Kadence and Colton!

I'm Every Women!

It is simply amazing to me what all I have learned in the very short month. Yes- that's right...I have made it through a month-well Monday will be a month. Going into this deployment I was terrified of all the things I would have to do. There were little stupid things that I took for granted with Ty. Things like going to the grocery store by myself, or driving places- the worse was going to public places on my own.

What's crazy is that my kids are not misbehaved crazy neanderthals that act crazy and embarrass me. They actually are very well behaved and have manners and for the most part listen to me very well. But it's always been me and Ty so we each had a kid and it was nice. I never had to worry about being overpowered. I know that sounds crazy, but all I could imagine was Kadence having a meltdown and Colton running rampant all over the place.

Needless to say this has not been the case. I think that they understand that mommy needs them on their best behavior and they have been amazing. What's more is that I'm learning to juggle it. Now it's not that things haven't gone wrong. My bedroom flooded and the carpet molded, I am infested with ants- which cannot be taken care of for like 2 weeks. And the guys that came to fix my carpet stole from me. But I'm learning to manage my life without Ty.
Now please don't take that to mean that I'm just wonderful without Ty. I still feel an emptiness like never before, but I'm learning how to live, while waiting for him to return.

I was able to drive from TX to CO with TWO kids by MYSELF! That amazed me! We had Beiber fever all 9 hours, but it was great. I went grocery shopping with TWO kids and walked out within my budget. And I went to the zoo and spent the night with TWO kids. I am in aww of myself. I know I know- it's only 2 kids, but when that's all you have ever had- it seems like a lot! I honestly was terrified to leave Ty's moms house. I didn't think I was able to do it, and after my first 24 hours of being by myself I was convinced it would all be awful from that point on. But it's not and I won't let it be! I'm to strong and to determined to stay in good mental health..lol.

One story I always tell people about when I knew I would be a good mom...which now seems so ridiculous considering what all I have done and will have to do in the future... When Colton was born the army didn't give the 2 weeks paternity leave and Ty was denied any leave. So the day after we got home from the hospital I woke up at 7:00am, got Kadence (a little under 2) dressed and fed, I then got Colton up, changed and fed. I was so proud of myself. I couldn't believe at 20 years old I was doing it and I was good at it.

This deployment is making me realize that same thing about myself. I'm learning how great of a mom, a person, a women I am. I love and miss my husband dearly- but I now know I am capable of functioning without him, I can't wait until he comes back so I don't have to- but I know that I can endure it while he's gone.

I will make it through this deployment and come out on the other side with a smile! Because that's who I am and who I will always be!

You Just Gotta Find A Way Through It!

"So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you an me, everyday."- The Notebook

I seen that on facebook earlier and it inspired me. I never realized how hard it would be to be away from Ty. He has driven me out of my mind since we were 16. He does the most insane things on purpose to get to me. But he's my everything and I adore him.

When he left and I first started receiving those precious phone calls I hung onto every second and every breathes he took. Now it seems that we have nothing to talk about...lol. I still would rather be on the phone with him saying nothing then not talking, but it's getting easier. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that but it is.

Now don't get me wrong- I know I still have a lot of hard nights ahead of me but I have a little perspective now. I know this is just a short time in our life we must spend away from each other and that we still have so much more time together. I get to enjoy another side of my husband. He loves me and he enjoys talking to me. He enjoys talking to the kids. The everyday hassles of life don't bother him as much- he just rejoices in being able to hear our voices each day. That's so nice. That's a side of my husband that I rarely get to see.

I have so many things to look forward to this year. And yes I am terrified to do it alone but I know I can. I raised myself to be a strong person and I can get through just about everything.

But still- we have to work through all the emotions. Just when you think that you get through it all another bad day happens and depression rears its ugly head. You just have to know that you'll get through it. You have to believe in your relationship and the love you have for each other. If you know that then you will get through it. But still it takes work.

It takes whatever is good and healthy for your particular situation...maybe it's risky web cam sessions, talking in the middle of the night, doing lots of retail therapy or a care box every week.

You do whatever it takes to get through this hard time. You're allowed to miss him, break down and feed the kids cereal for dinner. Don't let anyone take that away from you or make you feel ashamed about the particular way you are dealing with the situation.

Whats the old saying?

"Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter!"

We are a very close 2nd

I've always been proud of myself as a military spouse. I have always understood that me and the kids are not first. The day Ty signed that dotted line we became second to billions and billions of people. We are a very close to his number one- but none the less...second. This isn't his choice, but it's the way it has to be and I'm okay with that. I stand in awe of him. He chooses to put his life on the line, to defend our freedom while risking his own. Although this is his first deployment- he's still my hero because he chooses to do this. He's amazing!

Still, when those orders came in all I could do is hope and pray that they would get cancelled. I wanted anyone but him to be on that plane. Almost everyday I would look at him and say: "How am I going to do this without you?" and his response was: "You already do it without me." This is true, I am the one that does everything. But to do it without the promise of his kiss every night or at least a good night- that's almost unbearable.

I've mentioned the kids..and their antics.. in the past. One thing you should understand is that my kids love my husband. Their world revolves around him. He is the fun one- so without him our world is so unbalanced. Kadence is trying to be strong, on my bad days she sees it and is super sweet and helpful. She "gets it" and I hate that she does. Colton just recently realized that daddy is going to be gone for a while, and he's not taking it well.

This is our life- we drive on even through the sadness. The military life is hard but rewarding. Its sad but exciting. I love our life, after all we choose it and continue to chose it year after year as he signs back up for another 4 years.

I know I'll get through this deployment. I'll find ways to sleep through the night. I'll figure out ways to make the kids happy on holidays so that their not so sad that daddy won't be there. I'll simply "get through it." There are some days though that I don't understand how. I don't know how to survive without him. And I'm clueless at explaining to my kids where he is and how even though the TV says its dangerous that daddy is still safe.

I feel lost without him.

Even Through the Bad- I Still Got my Happily Ever After

So I realized that this Small Town Girl never wrote about my life- how I got where I am.

I'm from Ohio- a small little, brick road, four way stop sign town. It's Adena- you can find us on Facebook these days ;) There are about 800 people in the town I grew up in. Ty is always telling me that I forget where I came from. So I thought I'd just put it all out there.

I grew up poor and I don't mean I wasn't able to go on class trips poor- I mean I didn't have water or electricity poor. There were times during winter in OHIO we didn't have heat- life pretty much sucked. But I learned how to get by. I stayed with friends and borrowed their clothes. We were so poor that we didn't get new clothes often and at some point I reach that age of understanding that everyone else had much nicer stuff then me and that they were looking down on me because of that. So I worked from the time I was 11- babysitting or being a waitress. Whatever I could do to make money and be able to take care of myself I did.

When I was 15 my dad died. It was awful. I looked up to him and honestly he was the only person I had in my life that I could depend on. My mom- whom I love and has since become a better person, was more worried about catching up on the youth she missed out on then the babies she needed to raise. She did drugs, drank a lot and slept around a lot. I didn't have the best role model when it comes to females. So when my dad passed I felt like that one stable thing in my life was just riped away from me. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I lost my faith for a long time.

Those first two years was a dark time for me. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of mainly because I needed a way to not think about my dad. It hurt- I had never felt anything like that and I didn't want to deal with it. But eventually I realized I was doing a lot of bad things that was getting me nowhere fast. I was to smart for it so I decided to make a new start.

In January 2002 I transferred high schools. It was weird because the school I was districted for was about an hour away. The district line was about a mile away and that school was only 10 minutes away- so this would make my drive to school a lot easier. The first day of school I meet Daniel. He was and still is one of my very best friends. He is as sweet as can be and is one of those people you just feel safe with. His wife is one lucky girl! A few days later he invited me to the church to watch his friends practice with their "band". Yes band is in " " because they were a bunch of high school kids that couldn't get it together...lol. When I pulled up to the church Daniel and his friend from Utah were just getting out of the car. I looked at this guy and just knew I liked him. Yes it was Ty :). I can still remember what he was wearing- black jeans, navy independent hoodie and a independent beanie. He was so stinking cute. We didn't talk that much just passed glances throughout the night. Then on Monday at school he was in my class. See- I wasn't even aware he was staying. I thought he was visiting. And it just sparked from there- by March it was official- we were a couple. We stayed together throughout high school and 2 days after high school graduation I found out I was pregnant with Kadence.

After that Ty joined the army- and we left for Germany. That's where we had Colton.

I have been completely and totally in love with him since that day. We have had our ups and downs. We have broke up and got back together. We've been through it all. I'm not ashamed of it, I think it has only made us stronger.

You see this is the PG version of my life. I had a hard crappy life. Adena was nothing special to me but heartbreak. I endured so much while living there and no one ever helped. I think that's why I am pursing the degree I am- I want to help kids like me. I don't ever want a kid to feel alone. In a town of 800 everyone was talking about us but no one ever stepped up to help. I haven't forgotten where I'm from- there are just some things not worth remembering.

This deployment has made me realize something. I love my husband just as much if not even more then I loved him back them. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one and I have never stopped thinking that. There have been times that I just wanted to throw things- but I would give anything to get those moments back. I would give anything to yell at my husband right now ;)